I’ve told you I’m nearly 50 and that I had my last son at 42, that makes him 8 at Christmas. Make no doubt, he is the biggest casualty in my slow demise.

When I ‘asked’ his father to move out I knew what was coming.

He made it very clear that he wouldn’t leave without ‘his’ son. I knew that, I had known it for years. It was the main reason I didn’t end it sooner. In the end I wasn’t given a choice.

His father was my undoing, I couldn’t cope with him in my life anymore. When given an ultimatum of ‘ if you want him, I stay’……. I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

In January 2014 my son and his dad moved out. To be honest, at the time, I wasn’t well enough physically or mentally to take care of him. I could barely get out of bed and have a shower, how could I possibly contemplate being able to look after a healthy, lively 6 year old? And why would I subject him to that? Not having to look after anyone allowed me to heal at a quicker rate.

Was it hard? You have no idea. Did I miss him? Of course I did. Did I do the right thing by him?….. Yes I did. Once I was well enough to take over care, he was settled with his dad……how selfish would I have been to change that again? His father would have fought me tooth and nail, my son didn’t deserve that.

I don’t see him as oven as I’d like or even talk to him as much. Distance is now an issue as they live in another state. I try to call, but don’t get through to him as often as I would like.

There are a lot of people that can’t understand that I would allow this to have happened. My theory on this has always been, if he is happy, healthy and thriving in all areas then things will remain as they are. Stability is the number one priority for him.

He is happy, doing well at school and surrounded by family. Not my side of the family but family none the less.

I have heard it said that I have the freedom to do what I want and that’s why I chose this. No…..I chose what I think is ultimately the best thing for my son at this time. The fact I have freedom is a result of being on my own. When my son is with me, he gets 100% of me, when I don’t have him, then I get on with it, I need distractions when he isn’t here……it makes the time between visits go faster.

I know there will be differing opinions on my choices and you are entitled to those.

I have to say for me this is the most selfless and somewhat humbling decision I have ever made in my life. No parent wants to do this or put a child through this. No one goes into a relationship to end up a single parent and have to deal long term with the consequences of that decision.

If I had really been able to foresee the future, my son would probably not be here. He didn’t choose this life, we did…….and that’s not fair.

So for now, all we can do is ensure that he knows he is loved, by both of us. Hopefully he will understand this one day.


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