It sounds so trivial. I’ve heard mention of it before, but this is my first real taste of what it feels like.
HELL…….that’s what it feels like. I feel like I’ve been transported back nearly 2 years. It’s hard, frustrating and frightening.
They can be triggered by an illness, over doing it, nothing or stress. Stress is one of the biggest triggers. Ironic really, stress can cause a flare, while you are flaring you become stressed…….a vicious cycle, like a dog wildly chasing its tail has begun.
This is where I’m supposed to rest more, cut back on work and reduce stress!!!!!!
Mmmmm, unless someone is planning on stepping in and paying my rent, this isn’t going to happen. So you become a stress ball trying to keep going while getting lower and lower on fuel.
Tired, worn out and exhausted are all words we use. We use them because there really aren’t any words that can adequately describe exactly what you feel…… Empty, lost, angry, frustrated, a failure, sad……..these are all appropriate but no one wants to hear them.
You drag yourself out of bed, some days literally. You do your hair, your make up…..put on your ‘public’ smile, a fake one for the most part, and set off for the day. You see, I don’t wake up and say I’m going to feel like crap today……I just do. At the moment that is a constant state of being. Yes within that you have better moments and even better days. Good days? No, just better days than others.
When you are flaring you are hyper sensitive to everything. The weather, what you eat and drink, how you look at the world and how your body keeps letting you down. I’m about to turn 50, it’s still young as far as I’m concerned and I am way too young to constantly feel this old. Physically my 70 nearly 71 year old mother has more energy than me……god that is so deflating. Mentally, in a flare it only takes the smallest thing to overwhelm and trigger a melt down. Like yesterday bursting into tears at work over 1. Something well out of my control and 2. Inconsequential in the big scheme of things. Since then I have cried off and on.
A friend tagged me in a beautiful post on face book today, the fact that she thought enough to mention me brought tears. The fact she thought of me at all. No I am not feeling sorry for myself, just trying to understand what is happening…..again !!!
I know I am surrounded by people that care, I’m very lucky. But they can’t do a lot to help. Telling me I’m strong and it will pass is true. But when you are in the middle of it and see no end, those are very lonely and empty words. The things that you carry everyday…….constant pain, real physical pain. Constant state of ‘exhaustion’ , fear it will last for ever, frustration that you can’t just ‘suck it up princess’, feeling like you’re a failure and letting people down. You try not to rely too heavily on others,but you have to if you are to do and listen to what your body tells you.
Am I lazy? No…..I would if I could.
Am I happy? I have things that bring me great happiness, but it is often overshadowed by how I feel within.
Do I need your understanding? Yes please, even if you don’t or can’t understand, not questioning or disbelieving what I’m feeling is a good start.
Is it all in my head? Unfortunately no……it would be easier to fix if it was.
The scary thing is there are millions of people around the world feeling just like me !!!!! I can empathise with all of them. I’m sure, like I have, they have asked the question…. Why me????? I don’t have an answer for that.
So, all I ask is that we are kinder to everyone. We don’t have a clue what is going on inside someone else’s mind or body. A smile, a touch, a kind word or a hug can do more for those that are suffering than you could ever possibly know.