Hi there 😊
For those that read me on a regular basis you would know that I always try to write with positivity and a tad of humour, even when I’m not feeling it myself. The past few months has been one of those times. My body decided to go into shut down mode again and has caused me excruciating pain and fatigue. Which as anyone who has experience with this knows, brings its friends, depression, guilt and low self esteem along for the ride. It really has felt like 2 steps forward then 20 back. Hence the title of this blog. I don’t see it as a set back, but a step back.
I had come so far from where I was at nearly 3 years ago now and was very proud of that. This seems to have started with dads passing. The mind sunk low, as is expected at such a loss. The body took a few extra months to react and react it did. Just before Christmas it hit like a sledge hammer, by Christmas night, I could hardly walk……..a bit of a shock for my mum I must say, as I had tried to hide from her and everyone else around me just how bad it had become. Typical of me…….if I can just push through it, it will pass. Unfortunately that is not how it works.
I cut my hours back at work as I couldn’t stand all day. My mind was a constant bowl of mash potato. I would stand at the computer and wouldn’t be able to remember which buttons I needed to push to get where I wanted. I have been pushing those buttons for 11 years now……..but nope, nothing, nada, just blank. That brought added pressure and hours to my team, something I was and still am acutely aware of. I cannot put into words how appreciative I am of the way they have helped me through the past 3 years. If I could have changed it I would, but I needed to listen to my body. It was broken……..I’m young…..OK, yes I just turned 50…… But it’s 2016 and 50 is the new 25. Right? 😜 Anyway, it’s way too young to feel so bloody old and useless …….all the time.
The first time my little man flew into town after Christmas I greeted him on a walking stick. He looked concerned but didn’t say much. The last time he flew in, I was minus the walking stick and he was ecstatic. However I’m sure that was short lived as I spent nearly the whole weekend he was here asleep. He’s a great little man but he is only 8, he just takes it all in his stride but he shouldn’t have to see mum feeling like this.
All I ever wanted to do was go to work and then home to rest and sleep. Retreating to home was and still is my safe place. Thank goodness for Facebook, messenger, what’sapp and FaceTime. That’s how I stayed connected to my family and my friends.
My beautiful daughter, who doesn’t give too much away actually mentioned to my mum that I don’t go to visit. This breaks my heart. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I’ve missed out on a lot of precious time with her and very special moments with my 2 grandies.
On the odd occasion I did venture out with friends, it took more effort than they ever knew and I would pay for it for days. But sometimes you just have to step out and do something enjoyable……..after all, life’s too short not to.
Someone that has come to mean a great deal to me was recently overseas. Whilst he was there he was in an horrific car accident that he was lucky to walk away from. Thankfully he is fine and has since made it home to his family and friends……..but it really slams you on your bum and reminds you how precious life is and how it can be taken away in a heartbeat.
I have now started on some new meds after a successful trial. Like all medication that works, it has horrible side effects. Hopefully I am on a dose high enough to help, but still low enough to restrict those side effects. Regardless of that…….it was worth a shot.
I want my life back !!!!!!!
I want and deserve to enjoy it and enjoy time with those around me who I love more than I could ever convey.
So for everyone that I have annoyed via my iPad over the past few months…….I’m sorry. But you could never know what a lifeline you have been. All my nearest and dearest that have stuck by me through everything, thank you. That doesn’t seem adequate……but it’s all I’ve got.💞
I’m hoping over the next couple of weeks to be kicking life’s butt again……… Then you’ll have me physically in your face as opposed to on the screen 😜😜😜😜😜 Oh, I think I just heard a collective moan……..or was it a cheer? Either way…….I’m happy. 😊
Have a fabulous weekend…….find time to hug your children, kiss your lover and most of all love yourself.