depression, Fibromyalgia/CFS, Life

Sink or Swim ???

Hi dreamers,

As you know the ‘thing’ has been affecting everything I do since the beginning of November again. The first time round in 13/14 I had absolutely no idea what had happened to me. I was knocked off my feet without any idea. It took months before any answers came my way and I didn’t particularly like what I was hearing. It took its toll, physically and emotionally, something I now understand as normal, for whatever normal is with the ‘thing’. I started to gain strength and a little understanding and began to live life again as only I know how…….full steam ahead!

I was doing well, back at work enjoying life although it was about to throw me a curve ball like no other. My dad became ill, then extremely ill and then he passed. All this happening in what seemed like a moment , even though as a family we knew something was very wrong, in the end it was sudden and left so much unresolved.  Emotionally I took a much bigger hit than I realised I had and the ‘thing’ raised its ugly little head again. For me after around 16 months of health it hit like a train. That’s when I was in need of my walking cane just to safely get from point A to point B. Instant old lady status! This time around I found it annoying more than anything else. I mean I know it’s always there, lurking like a stalker but I thought I’d gotten through the emotional few months pretty well, but as usual what would I know?  Yet again, my Dr and I searched for answers, solutions and we hit on something that helped. My goodness, I started to feel better than I had in 3 years. A little miracle and you all know how much I like miracles. Anyway, the one thing you must remember with the ‘thing’ is it IS always there. The one thing I have trouble with, well there’s probably more than one, but the one I’m going to talk about is pacing. Anyway I’m not very good at that. When I’m feeling well, I like to forget that I’m still unwell underneath. I do things at full speed,  150% like I’m some spring chicken 😂 Yeah I know, I’m hilarious!!!!

Anyway, when I’m well and ‘living’ I’m actually setting myself up for a fall, I don’t usually realise it until I come back to earth with a thud. That’s exactly what happened last November. New job, new beginning, new thought process, wow, sounds almost perfect doesn’t it? It did to me too and then it happened all over again. Screw this. Why me? Why now? I said to my Dr ” I was doing so well” and he said “until you weren’t”. Never underestimate how demoralising an invisible illness is. Not only do you have to deal with it, but you also have to deal with people who can’t see what’s wrong, they start to disbelieve you, think you’re making it up. Who can blame them really when it doesn’t make sense to me either?

So Round 1 was a breakdown moment, ready to just give up and curl into a ball. Round 2 , frustrating and annoying but a gentle reminder. Round 3, well enough is enough.  The ‘thing’ has robbed me of so much over the past 3 years, well not anymore. Yes I know my limitations, yes I will finally accept the fact that I have to pace myself even if I feel good. Most of all it has forced me to change a few things. My new job, which I loved so much and was so proud of earning, I now know I can’t do. I have to adjust my working schedule to my pacing limits. So another change in position is what’s planned. To keep my mind active in the meantime I have been looking through the lens and using my camera to capture moments, I’ve launched my photography site, more to keep active than anything else, but if someone likes something enough to buy one, well that will be a bonus.

When my children were little I would tell them to ‘use your words’ well I’ve taken some of my own advice. I have joined some freelancing sites to do just that. I’m new to all of it and there’s a lot to learn but the one thing I have at present is lots of time on my hands. As well as this my sugarloafdream page, I now have that brings all my sites together. Then yesterday I launched Sugarloaf Dreamer……the business.  Now it’s not a full time business, as I don’t have any clients ……yet 😉 I also still hold a position in the company I have worked for for nearly 12 years, we just don’t know what that position will be yet, but I’m not wanting to walk away  either.  My new personal venture is using my words, offering help for others with a business, but who may not have enough time and or ability to give it the little things it needs to help make it successful.

What I’m saying is this, the third time around will not beat me. It has if anything, forced me to really face reality and make decisions for the future. This is my life and I need to be able to get the most out of it and enjoy it to ‘my’ fullest. It may not be normal but it is my new ‘normal’.

I need to at least have a go, I may sink or swim, but let me tell you…… I always was a good swimmer and if all else fails, I’ve still got my fairy dust and miracles.






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