I wake up everyday with ideas in my head. All the things I’d like to achieve today, no not just today but every day. It’s raining this morning, the breeze is light, it’s not cold and the light is rather moderate. I could go to the lake and get some shots of the rain falling on the water and play with that. But I can’t. Not because I don’t have a car or the desire to do it but because the rain has caused my body to seize so much that just getting to the bathroom is agonising.
Please don’t get me wrong, we need this rain and we are at day 3 of it now and each day my body has reacted a little more. That body that could dance a Can Can without thought, on automatic pilot. The body that could still do the splits 5 years ago, that at times (good times) through the past 4 years could hit the dance floor and dance the night away. That could work in the garden all day and enjoy it. Thank goodness I don’t have a garden as such anymore, it would be in a sorry state. My plants in their pots are enough for me to handle.
This is NOT a feel sorry for me post, this is simply a frustration post. We with any silent illness don’t want your pity we want understanding. We are not lazy, we are not making it up and it is not all in our head. It is real…….frustrating, annoying, life sucking, debilitating and we have every right to feel sorry for ourselves at times. We can’t afford to stay there though as it will bring us and everyone around us down even further. Just recently I bumped into a couple of friends at the supermarket…..I know they were surprised at how I was moving, how it ages you, not necessarily in the face but in a strange all over way. Obviously they didn’t come out and say ‘gosh you look awful’ but I know they were thinking it and I don’t blame them…..the thing is I feel a lot worse than I look !!!!!
I and so many others would like their life back but this is our life now. Some days are better than others, we can go for long periods of time where we are “well” but it never goes away. Well for us, is feeling sick for everyone else. Well still includes pain, jumbled thoughts, sleep problems and incredible fatigue but you would never know it until it all goes to blah and we come crumbling down again.
So this isn’t about just me, this is me using my voice for everyone else. I guess this is where I’m lucky that I’m outspoken and am willing to share it all with the world. I know that I lose people every time I do so, but the strength I know it gives others is worth it. One day I will wake up and feel ‘better’ again…….I look forward to that like you can’t possibly imagine. Put quite simply I want ME back. Mentally I’m still Me, I’m an idiot, a dreamer, a romantic and yes a definite flirt…..and the people in my life wouldn’t have me any other way. For now all I can offer the world are my photographs and my words. As always I’m extremely grateful for my family, my friends near and far, for the new friends I have gathered along the way and for the ones I have met because I hide behind my camera……..thank you.
As for the rain……it is needed, I hope the farmers are getting it also. We live in such a beautiful, big land that needs the rain as much as the sun to produce our crops and feed for our livestock to keep the farmers going. I really can’t complain…….my life’s troubles are nothing compared to theirs.
Happy Sunday Dreamers