A few things have come up over the past week or so that I need to verbalize.
Someone that doesn’t even know me questioned my self esteem. Anyone that does know me can tell you I have never had a self esteem problem. Not that I mean for one minute that I am better than anyone else, it’s not a self esteem of arrogance but one of confidence. However, I am not too big or precious to admit that when my body lets me down my self esteem does take a hit. The longer I am down, the worse it is and the harder it is to claw it back.
Yes I keep smiling, no matter what, it’s only my very inner circle that sees me without that smile and then, very rarely. God forbid I should show weakness……. besides, who wants to see that? Not my children, I’m mum, the top of the tree, the leader, their go to person….. Not my mum, she is dealing with her own issues and relying on me to help her through, I can’t let her know really how hard it has become some days…….. I have some very understanding friends that I unleash to, but even then, I know they have their own shit to deal with, so again, I hold back…..not because they don’t want to know or help, but because I don’t want to dump on them.
So how do I compensate?
I banter!!!! Yep….I throw on that blanket of humor and sarcasm that so many of us use in times of awkwardness. I admit….I don’t have a filter most of the time (healthy or not)this won’t surprise any that really know me…… but I really let fly sometimes in way of compensation.
So how does this affect my life? Unfortunately people that don’t really know me get a very skewed idea of who I truly am, sometimes that is deliberate and sometimes it is not. If I can keep you at arms length then you can’t hurt me ….sound familiar to anyone out there? How many of you keep the REAL you slightly hidden as protection? So what tends to happen is I end up alienating some people that I’d actually like to get to know better…..I come out full steam and scare the shit out of them!!!!!! Or, I overstep boundaries…….I have learnt over time, in an unconscious way I actually do this deliberately ….What better way to protect yourself from being hurt that to push people away? Right?
So…..who is the real me?
I’m vulnerable let’s put that out there to start with…..I’m caring, often too deeply, I’m a giver, sometimes too much, I like to share, that comes in many ways….I will share too much of my time, often to my own detriment. My emotions, if I care about you in even the smallest way then your worries become my worries. My most guilty trait is I will drop everything for anyone if they need a helping hand or a listening ear. You are probably thinking that’s not a bad trait…..no it’s not, unless you lose yourself in the process. I take these things on because I genuinely care but it’s also a good distraction from what is going on within. At times this is ok but it can also push personal issues so far back that when they raise their ugly heads again they come back as a two headed monster and they bite a hell of a lot harder.
So, my words of wisdom on this…….continue to love, care, laugh, banter, be cheeky, help and give……..but do not do this to the point that you lose sight of where YOU stand in the middle of it all. You are special, you are rare and unique, you deserve to love and be loved , you deserve to use your voice to be heard, but most of all you are NEVER allowed to be made to feel GUILTY for being YOU……….
And yes…..you are always allowed to believe in Fairy dust, unicorns, magic and miracles!!!!!!!
So now I have some questions for you. What do you do to keep people at arms length? Do you have a self protection mechanism? How do you you or have you overcome this?
I’m looking forward to your answer………Have a great day Dreamers